walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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