I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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