so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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