My hand turned me down
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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