i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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