what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Randomize
