Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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