I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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