We need to rekindle our bromance
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
