dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
