My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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