Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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