All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Everclear isn't food dammit
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Randomize
