Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
