Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
