Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
