too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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