Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
How many fucks given?
0.12846
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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