Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Randomize
