do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
