Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I can't put those talents on a resume
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
