Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Randomize
