my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Randomize
