so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
