just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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