OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Randomize
