I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
