Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
