woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
