I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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