nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
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