I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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