your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
