OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
