some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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