Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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