I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
