Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
