1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
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