so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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