New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
