mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
He felt like a one man threesome
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Randomize
