how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
