my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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