So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
