I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
