Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
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