Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
