please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
