so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Randomize
