okay pat passed out under dana's car
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
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