You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
